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Anyone Got a Stake and a Clove of Garlic?

We thought we had seen the last of the Ghastly Shulugh who had apparently disappeared up her own sanctimonious backside.  But horribly she has made two recent returns.  One was to exert her mammon-worshiping tendencies over expansion of the stables and the other was to visit Ken Ton.  GO away and STAY away!


Layton Lily Upsets The Firm


We were all suitably shocked when Ken Ton was nibbled by a Bichon Frise but not at all surprised that Doreen's seedy past has finally caught up with her.  The gentlemen from Birmingham who recntly popped in for a drink seem like the sort who would contribute to a good clientelle for the B at Ambridge.


Harry's Mum Backs Her Boy


Perhaps Harry could have briefed hi Mum about Boozy Alice before letting her invite her on shopping trips.  Would you really want to go shopping with someone who, not long ago, put a brick through a shop window. Amzingly she didn't see Alice as a good catch for her son. 


Fete Worse Than Death


Let’s say this very slowly – we really don’t care about the Village Fete.  The tedious annual discussions around it are repetitive and of so little interest – who will run it? (don’t care), who will help? (don’t care).  Who will open it?  Ah, now this year we have a great idea – someone who would be making a welcome return to Ambridge, someone who had been a successful manager of Berrow Farm, someone who survived a frenzied knife attack, someone who would tug on the nation’s heart-strings as he will not be able to do it next year – we give you Mr Robert Titchener.


George Sticks up for Gideon’s Rights


Poor old Gideon looks set to miss out on ever meeting his Dad, but luckily George Grundy who is developing nicely might have a say in that.  He has worked wonders in putting Henry the Hoover in touch with his adopted Dad and hopefully there is going to be a larger reunion soon.


Tom n Natasha’s Sprog Nausea


@narchists have never liked Ambridge children until they are old enough to cause serious mayhem and offence, and Tom and Natasha’s silent twins Nivea and Nurofen have caused us a lot of angst with all the billing and cooing they seem to attract.  There was some hope that they were going to be sold to a film company but that, like so many hopes in Ambridge seems to have died a death


It's Never too Late to Celebrate


@Archers @anarchists have dedicated ourselves over the years since our launch 28 years ago to the removal of the ghastly Shulugh from our eardrums.  We have long dreamt of plunging her into a vat of boiling oil (don’t try this at home, it must be done under strict supervision) or at least subjecting her to a skimmity ride, but finally we got even more than we dared hope for as she was consigned to the frozen North to take her busybodying self-obsession into the world of holy orders.  She only went last Autumn and mercifully she is rarely, if ever spoken of.


RSPCA Needed over Weaver Scandal


In all rural communities people will be aware that the farmers’ dog of choice is a greyhound.  They can forever be seen rounding up sheep and generally playing their traditional role in the farmyard.  In contrast, more urban folk have over the years always enjoyed a trip to Walthamstow or Catford to watch border collies hurtling around the stadia.  The RSPCA need to visit both Phallustair Blandvoice and Stealthy Stella to discuss their rehoming policy.  Whatever happened to proper home checks that even your average poorly funded charity would undertake?


Who Owns Gay Gables?


Adil has been a reasonably promising agent/manager of the country house hotel and is doing his best to resuscitate the place that Tugger and Foxbrush mismanaged with such devastating consequences.  His keenness to source an alternative cheese supplier rather than use E-Coli Farm is very welcome and we hope he is not going to be hoodwinked by any attempt to flatter him by badging up Foxbrush Gold.  What we really want to know is who actually owns GG?  We had hoped it might be Rob Titchenor but It is more likely to be Matt Crawford.


PC Vicar


It is not surprising that Harrison is getting weary of policing.  He is quite clearly the whole of Borchester Constabulary and also the CID.  He has to conduct all investigations as well as turn up to the scene of every crime in the county, most of which occur in his own village.  His rather left field conversion to goddery would chime in nicely if he decides to go the whole God hog.  He already shares a voice with Staring Alan Franks and so could easily take his place at the Vicarage.  He might have to move St Usha out of the way along with Shiver and all the other Hindu icons but Usha already has her own house.



Parish Clerk is Guest Celebrity at Fete


The prospect of Lindybottom being the Celeb at her own fete was made all the more enticing retrospectively after Staring Alan secured the services of a locum parish clerk to judge the scarecrow competition.  Amazingly, even the village groundlings such as Tracy had heard of her.  When you think of some of the celebs who have popped in to the village previously, Princess Anne, Princess Margaret, Terry Wogan etc. it makes you weep.


Scarecrow Hate Mob Beaten by Establishment


The anti scarecrow mob scored a moral victory when they turned up to protest at the fete.  In the snowflake age in which we live it is highly likely that every snivelling brat in the village would have been traumatised by the array of scarecrows.  So look out for Zandawanda and Martha who will be first in the counselling queue.


Speaking Truth to Smugness


We can only applaud Alice for her wonderful tour de force with Morewee and Mrs High and Might recently.  And the way she dropped her Mum right in it was a joy to behold.  It had us reaching for the bubbly, and another one. 



8 Years of Porridge for Mossy


In a major travesty of justice, popular local builder Mossy has been jailed for eight years for the crime of giving board and lodging to his previously destitute workers.  The Horses, as they were affectionately known had given Mossy a touching Christmas present of a teddy bear with a love heart on it.  Anarchists were hoping to erect a statue of the great benefactor on the banks of the Am, but there was always the danger that one of the more woke residents might topple it.


Never come a knockin when the Caravan’s a rockin


There have been more caravans in Ambridge over the years than in your average gypsy encampment.  Slaphead Jonny was conceived in one when his Mother Sharon was camped at E-coli Farm, Edweird and Emmer are now deliriously happy in a caravan, having previously wanted a house and now a caravan has been established at Brookfield for use as a general knocking shop.  The image of Foghorn and Lecherous Len canoodling away is not conducive to the digestion, but listeners can expect regular updates of an explicit nature as the time of the broadcasts moves to 12.02 am..


Another Village Production Bore


Everyone knows the tedious formula for Ambridge dramatic productions:  Lindybottom pretends she does not want to direct it but won’t allow anyone else to do it, the most unlikely and unsuitable village residents desperately want to be in it and anyone who would be any good does not want to go anywhere near it.  This year we escaped anything at Christmas due to a belated acknowledgement of covid regulations and the fact that the very sight of the hideously deformed Lindybottom would scare the children.  Then out of nowhere came the bloomin mystery plays.  Even more oddly, Crusty Kirsty, who had for the most part forgotten she was married to public enemy No 1 had suddenly taken a leading role with Lindyb as if she had not a care in the world..  We can only thank Evangeline for throwing a much-deserved spanner in the works.




Apart from the occasional vague reference Ambridge seems once again to be covid-free.  No one has had a jab as far as we know despite the number of nonagenarians such as Peggoi and Foghorn.  Burns seems to think nothing of going into other people’s houses to socialise and Evie and Ben seem to have met and got together entirely during lockdown as have Jade and Jazzer who appears to be in a bubble with about a dozen different people.  And as for masks – what are they?


Shulugh – The Nausea Continues


Another feature that never changes is Shulugh’s self-obsessed ability to dispense sanctimony.  No one cares if she becomes a vicarette or even an imam, she is just ghastly and it is quite obvious that Staring Alan Franks doesn’t think she is up to it, but of course he has problems of his own what with having to share a voice with Harrison Burns. 


The glorious sound of wedding bells 


Everyone will be delighted for Crusty Kirsty that she has finally been lucky in love.  In Philip Moss, respected horse trader, it is obvious that she has picked a winner and nothing can possibly go wrong.  We can only wish her many happy days, or at least hours.


Covid Tier Zero in Ambridge


We can only assume that the Vaccination Fairy has arrived in Ambridge, ahead of the rest of the World.  Here you can hug your granny, your neighbour, the postman (oh there isn't one) and anyone you like.


Borchester NHS goes unthanked


Ambridge residents really dont deserve the Rolls Royce Borchester health service.  Have you ever heard them praise the service they are getting or bang so much as a dustbin lid on a Thursday evening?  And yet they carry on picking up pregnant drunks from country lanes with unbridled enthusiasm. 


Jailbird binned


Why Radio Borsetshire thought the best qualified person to host a regular phone-in was a former prison inmate who works potting yoghurt in a failing dairy is hard to fathom, but at least they have finally seen sense.  


Burns will not stop Lindybottom   


The fact that Lindybottom is destined to look like the Elephant Man for the rest of her life will not deter her from continuing her role as village busybody.  The most painful aspect of her whole ordeal is having constant visits from Fagash Lil and being called “darling” all the time.


Burns to be sacked?


Harrison Burns is all set to be given the boot from the force as he has clearly failed to keep village residents under control.  He must be turning a blind eye on the Bee and the lack of Moral Distancing being practiced throughout the village.  This will be a humiliating end to his glittering career as the whole of Borsetshire CID and the uniformed force.


Welcome Blake


Blake seems to be a welcome addition to the Village.  We have not had an active arsonist around since Clive Horrobin who seems sadly to be serving a whole life tariff as we have not heard of him for a long time.   Blake’s story that he lit a grill because he was hungry really doesn’t stand up.  Many of us are a bit peckish when we are filling up the car with petrol but the idea of lighting a match never seems the best option.



If Any of You Have Been Affected by Anything in this Programme…


Yes we are feeling violently ill at the thought of the ghastly Shulugh becoming a vicarette.  For a moment our respect for Staring Alan was slightly raised when it appeared he was going to tell her to do one and stop being a self-obsessed cow.  But it was too good to be true and a couple of weeks later he was aiding and abetting her in what has to be the most inappropriate career change of the century.  What makes her such a good candidate?  Her conviction (for taking and driving away), her gratuitous breaking of her marriage vows, her seduction of most male members of the village or her wall to wall sanctimony?



Leonard the Liar


Is there anyone in Borsetshire more boring than Leonard?  His ubiquitous calming of waters that should be allowed to be troubled is a source of great irritation.  He is of course a liar as we saw when he was about to pass himself off as an artist and that leaves some hope that he may be a devious wrong-un.


New Partner for Tim?


Now that he has been so badly let down by Edweird in his quest to run a business enterprise retailing pesticides wouldn’t Tim do well to get young Freddie on board?  He has experience at vending substances that are not entirely legit and may have some useful contacts to grow the business.


Do a favour in memory of a hit and run driver


Many listeners will recall that last year a hit and run driver, Nauseous Nic popped her clogs because Wiwyerm  didn’t notice that she was on her last legs.  Sadly she never had to face the consequences of leaving Matt Crawford for dead on a dark night, having cheerfully allowed the suspicion to fall on others.  Being the weird village that it is, Ambridge is commemorating her demise with a glorified “Bob a job” scheme.  By rights the cash raised should go to victims of cowardly hit and run incidents but no one seems to have thought of that.



An Everyday Story of Sex and Debauchery


Obviously what goes on in Ambridge is not a story, but the degeneration of this documentary into graphic bulletins of the sex lives of some dreary residents is more than enough to put respectable listeners off their food.   In recent months we have had Peep, who is more than happy to put it about with anyone who pops by, albeit that serial shagger Toby is always the default.  Then we have had Horny Hannah who is keen to get down to it with anyone on a “mates” basis, anyone except another serial shagger, Jazzer that is.  Phallustair Blandvoice gives us a reminder that sex is for life, not just for Christmas by getting it on with Lavinia, who only seems to have arrived in the village to service him.  Mercifully Fagash Lil and Justin seem to have cooled their ardour now that they live together.    Anarchists fear the next ones will be Hellin and Lecherous Lee,  Shulugh helping herself to Philip and Loathsome Lizzie who will probably go for a bit of Russ when Lilly is otherwise engaged.


Throw Away the Key


Drugs are not new in Ambridge and we all remember the disappointment when Jazzer and Edweird recovered from their addiction overnight, but it is good to have our very own toff dealer in Lower Poxley. Nigel would have been proud of Freddy and would undoubtedly have been indulging in a bit of weed himself.  We admire Freddy’s entrepreneurial streak but due to the loyal support he is getting from Loathsome we are forced to hope he is in jail for a good long time, getting a regular rogering from his fellow inmates.


70 Year old Fagash gives hope to many


Fagash seemed to undergo quite a transformation from the posh, horsey Lilian Archer that some of us fondly remember.  Her first husband, Canadian pilot Lester Nicholson was tragically killed in typically mysterious circumstances and she went onto ensnare Ralph Bellamy and a serious quantity of wonga.  They disappeared to the Channel Islands to spend less time with the tax inspectors where Ralph pegged it.


The next we saw of Lilian was reincarnated as Fagash Lil, heavy smoking, heavy drinking and lusting after every male over the age of about 15.  Amazingly sshe has just turned 70 and she and Justin are still at it like rabbits. If any Anarchists are still having rampant sex in their 70s we would be very grateful if they would keep it to themselves.


The Archers are real – there is no cast

Please note that this cat is not in any way meant to represent the late Sammy The Cat but is here because of his good choice of reading material.


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