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Gloss comes off Moss

 

Philip Moss has suddenly gone from Mother Theresa to Ronnie Kray, a welcome change from the boring do-gooder who kept repairing children’s playgrounds and other “no jobs too small”.  Now we know him to be a gangmaster supreme we feel less of a need to stick our fingers down our throats whenever he appears.  It also means that Kirsty is heading for the now familiar wedding cancellation, though at this time it is uncertain whether she will make it as far as the altar.

 

No Covid in Ambridge

 

Due to the impeccable precautions taken by Ambridge residents, who totally immerse themselves in sheep dip on a weekly basis, there is not even a hint of concern over Covid.  People are still flocking to The Bee, hugging each other and generally carrying on as normal. Indeed the young folk seem to be doing more clubbing than a Greenland seal hunter.

 

Borchester NHS overfunded

 

The Borchester health service is second to none and although it specialises in voice transplants it has an enviable reputation for curing all patients rapidly regardless of the illness or affliction.  We hve not heard of any cancellations of anyone's appointments nor the discharge of Lindybottom back to Ambridge Hall, so we can only conclude it is the only overfunded Trust in the UK.

 

Burns will not stop Lindybottom   

 

The fact that Lindybottom is destined to look like the Elephant Man for the rest of her life will not deter her from continuing her role as village busybody.  The most painful aspect of her whole ordeal is having constant visits from Fagash Lil and being called “darling” all the time.

 

Burns to be sacked?

 

Harrison Burns is all set to be given the boot from the force as he has clearly failed to keep village residents under control.  He must be turning a blind eye on the Bee and the lack of Moral Distancing being practiced throughout the village.  This will be a humiliating end to his glittering career as the whole of Borsetshire CID and the uniformed force.

 

Welcome Blake

 

Blake seems to be a welcome addition to the Village.  We have not had an active arsonist around since Clive Horrobin who seems sadly to be serving a whole life tariff as we have not heard of him for a long time.   Blake’s story that he lit a grill because he was hungry really doesn’t stand up.  Many of us are a bit peckish when we are filling up the car with petrol but the idea of lighting a match never seems the best option.

 

 

If Any of You Have Been Affected by Anything in this Programme…

 

Yes we are feeling violently ill at the thought of the ghastly Shulugh becoming a vicarette.  For a moment our respect for Staring Alan was slightly raised when it appeared he was going to tell her to do one and stop being a self-obsessed cow.  But it was too good to be true and a couple of weeks later he was aiding and abetting her in what has to be the most inappropriate career change of the century.  What makes her such a good candidate?  Her conviction (for taking and driving away), her gratuitous breaking of her marriage vows, her seduction of most male members of the village or her wall to wall sanctimony?

 

 

Leonard the Liar

 

Is there anyone in Borsetshire more boring than Leonard?  His ubiquitous calming of waters that should be allowed to be troubled is a source of great irritation.  He is of course a liar as we saw when he was about to pass himself off as an artist and that leaves some hope that he may be a devious wrong-un.

 

New Partner for Tim?

 

Now that he has been so badly let down by Edweird in his quest to run a business enterprise retailing pesticides wouldn’t Tim do well to get young Freddie on board?  He has experience at vending substances that are not entirely legit and may have some useful contacts to grow the business.

 

Do a favour in memory of a hit and run driver

 

Many listeners will recall that last year a hit and run driver, Nauseous Nic popped her clogs because Wiwyerm  didn’t notice that she was on her last legs.  Sadly she never had to face the consequences of leaving Matt Crawford for dead on a dark night, having cheerfully allowed the suspicion to fall on others.  Being the weird village that it is, Ambridge is commemorating her demise with a glorified “Bob a job” scheme.  By rights the cash raised should go to victims of cowardly hit and run incidents but no one seems to have thought of that.

 

 

An Everyday Story of Sex and Debauchery

 

Obviously what goes on in Ambridge is not a story, but the degeneration of this documentary into graphic bulletins of the sex lives of some dreary residents is more than enough to put respectable listeners off their food.   In recent months we have had Peep, who is more than happy to put it about with anyone who pops by, albeit that serial shagger Toby is always the default.  Then we have had Horny Hannah who is keen to get down to it with anyone on a “mates” basis, anyone except another serial shagger, Jazzer that is.  Phallustair Blandvoice gives us a reminder that sex is for life, not just for Christmas by getting it on with Lavinia, who only seems to have arrived in the village to service him.  Mercifully Fagash Lil and Justin seem to have cooled their ardour now that they live together.    Anarchists fear the next ones will be Hellin and Lecherous Lee,  Shulugh helping herself to Philip and Loathsome Lizzie who will probably go for a bit of Russ when Lilly is otherwise engaged.

 

Throw Away the Key

 

Drugs are not new in Ambridge and we all remember the disappointment when Jazzer and Edweird recovered from their addiction overnight, but it is good to have our very own toff dealer in Lower Poxley. Nigel would have been proud of Freddy and would undoubtedly have been indulging in a bit of weed himself.  We admire Freddy’s entrepreneurial streak but due to the loyal support he is getting from Loathsome we are forced to hope he is in jail for a good long time, getting a regular rogering from his fellow inmates.

 

70 Year old Fagash gives hope to many

 

Fagash seemed to undergo quite a transformation from the posh, horsey Lilian Archer that some of us fondly remember.  Her first husband, Canadian pilot Lester Nicholson was tragically killed in typically mysterious circumstances and she went onto ensnare Ralph Bellamy and a serious quantity of wonga.  They disappeared to the Channel Islands to spend less time with the tax inspectors where Ralph pegged it.

 

The next we saw of Lilian was reincarnated as Fagash Lil, heavy smoking, heavy drinking and lusting after every male over the age of about 15.  Amazingly sshe has just turned 70 and she and Justin are still at it like rabbits. If any Anarchists are still having rampant sex in their 70s we would be very grateful if they would keep it to themselves.

 

The Archers are real – there is no cast

Please note that this cat is not in any way meant to represent the late Sammy The Cat but is here because of his good choice of reading material.

 

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