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Woman with weird voice dies after dancing with 96 year old

Millions of people were shocked that Nauseous Nic thought it was a good idea to dance with poor old 96 year old Joe, who suffers severely from chronic farmer’s lung. Thought to be the first victim of the Low Mead poison dump, Nause has probably extended Joe’s life a bit longer as she was planning regular dance sessions with him.


Wiwyerm tells it straight

Wiwyerm, understandably a bit miffed about being saddled with a load of sprogs, was rather direct with old Joe when he called him a “stupid thoughtless selfish old man”.  This has been a widely held view on the retired poacher over many years on the part of the Ambridge establishment, a group that Wiwyerm has been aspiring to join.


If you have been affected by anything you have heard on this programme…?

We are always hearing this nowadays after the Ambridge bulletins but the odd thing is that it is never the thing that is affecting us that has led them to offer some gratuitous dogooding.  Few of us were affected by Nick snuffing it but we were very much affected by Racist Roy talking about condoms and his sexual urges just when we were about to eat our supper.


Staring Alan turns up for once

The Ambridge vicar usually has Macavity-like properties and is rarely seen when there is a crisis, but he was fast on the Grungy scene dishing out memories of his own bereavements.  There’s only one thing worse than a smug vicar and that’s people who think the cure for bereavement is an endless supply of foodstuffs when you have no appetite.  There’s an army of them in Ambridge.


Latif is no fool

Latif seems to have acquired cricketer and sex pest Ifty's voice, but at least he has woken up to the folly of entrusting his large stable of horses to the half-arsed veterinary operation run by Phallustair.  Having killed someone's horse in a routine operation, he should stick to hamsters, gerbils and maybe the odd stick insect.


Hey nonne no is back

Nice to see the return of one of Kate's attitudinal and truculent offspring.  Hardly surprising she is eschewing the ridiculous epithet of Nolly and encouraging to see her effect on FreddynLilly.


Darrington do it again

Congratulations to the spirited and entertaining Darrington Cricket Team who took Ambridge’s Dad’s (and Mum’s) army of cricketers to the cleaners as usual.  It was a particularly nice touch when they took over the Ploughman’s for an evening to celebrate in advance.


Lexi’s predictable return

We hope the other applicants for the Gay Gables job will kick up a stink that the interviewing panel consisted of Toonice and Lexi's lover and that Toonice had already decided who he wanted before the interviews started.


Angry Posh old men calm down

It is a relief that we can enjoy a period of peace after two of the village’s posh old men seem to have relaxed a bit.  Recently we had Foxbrush hurling vases around the place while Justin was planning to murder Tiger Crawford.  But the thousand or so fragments of vase were quickly reassembled by semi-redundant tractor driver Edweird Grundy and Justin is daft enough to believe that Tiger wont get one over on him after all.


Blackmail victim flees to Minneapolis

The lawlessness of Ambridge and the ability of Archers to close ranks knows no bounds.  Rob Titchener was a victim of the most unpleasant blackmail from Stefan and his crime was simply that he demonstrated loyalty to his employers to prevent them being washed away.  And ultimately it was at minimum cost to man and beast - one stray dog and Moifreda.


Has Foghorn caved in?

We rarely have any time for Foghorn but were thoroughly enjoying her Fairbrother phobia and it is with great disappointment that, like most feuds in the village, this one appears to have ended.  Can we dare hope it is only on hold as a temporary ceasefire?  When Toby turns up with his Junkie girlfriend, perhaps normal hostilities will resume.


Bed and breakfast

It is hardly surprising that the Grungies are such a bunch of wasters.  Just because Fat Paul's cousin was prepared to put up with a ferret-ridden house and breakfast provided by the Ecoli queen is hardly grounds to go into the b&b business.


Mr Hodge denied customer choice

Mr Hodge seems to be getting a raw deal from the local vet.  Even in the state-run NHS a patient is allowed to request to see a different doctor in the practice.  Yet as a customer of a private business, he is denied the right to choose who looks after his animals.


Crusty Kirsty can return to core business

It is just as well that Crusty is not going to be a single parent after all, as she needs all her spare time for gossiping and interfering.  She could go into further education at the Jailbird Academy of Rumour.


Boring Racist Roy fails again

Quite a double bluff played by Racist Roy on poor old Tracy recently.  The most boring bloke in the village pretends to be the most boring bloke in the village.  Tracy can do a lot better for herself.


The Archers are real – there is no cast

Please note that this cat is not in any way meant to represent the late Sammy The Cat but is here because of his good choice of reading material.


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